Football

Reports of WDM’s in Waco Continue to Escalate Fears

WACO, TX- Tensions arose throughout the Big 12 on Thursday after posturing from the Baylor Bears, who claim to be continuing to develop a Weapon of Destructive Mass (WDM). Head coach Art Briles first unveiled plans for the WDM in an ultimately doomed offensive against Michigan State in January, where he demonstrated the potentially formidable power of the LQMcG-410.

“I don’t see what has everybody all up-in-arms, personally,” said Briles. “We’ve always had this on the roster, we’re just choosing to employ it in a different way. Did anybody pitch a fit when corn got appropriated from a bread to a fuel? They did? Well screw them.”

College football pundits speculate that such a move will exacerbate a burgeoning arms race in the conference, with teams continuing to sign larger players to play seemingly non-traditional positions for their frames. Following the news, Texas Tech coach Kliff Kingsbury, who recently signed a highly touted 5-star defensive lineman in Breiden Fehoko, was asked about the potential fallout of Baylor’s unorthodox approach.

“Well, you see guys out there like Art always trying to up the ante, you know, find something that gives them any sort of edge. If the trend now is to go fast, fast, fast, he’s going to find a new direction to fight against that. So if he starts going with beef there at slot, then we’ll have to start hitting right back with that. Breiden’s been great, been versatile thus far, so maybe we can put him out at OLB. Rika Levi cut a bit of weight, he could end up at CB if we need it.”

Other coaches aren’t as convinced.

“Ah, hell, I think putting that much ham out there may backfire on anybody trying to get a little too clever,” commented West Virginia’s Dana Holgorsen. “I ain’t seen a body that big adeptly handle a pigskin consistently that wasn’t served at a casino buffet with a fine glaze and a pineapple slice on it.”

Gary Patterson notes that “it’s just. . . it’s just part of the game. Offensive guys are always out there thinking new things up, defenses always figure out how to stop them. I respect what they’re trying to do down in Waco, and I hope it pays off for them. We’ll make sure it won’t, but I wish them well.”

It remains to be seen whether or not Baylor will follow through with this gambit or if it is simply serving as one in a line of typical off-season red herrings, but needless to say the move is being taken seriously by coaches around the league, as is the threat of the return of the “(x coach) recruited him as a (x position)” joke many hoped to be dead. Staking The Plains will continue to update as this clearly exaggerated and partially fabricated story develops.

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