The Quesalupa | Oh hear me, Toledo

Taco Bell has done it, and we are all helpless bystanders. Toledo holds all the cards.

The Quesalupa is a feat of culinary engineering within the same realm of Pizza Hut’s Stuffed Crust Pizza and Taco Bell’s very own Cheesy Gordita Crunch & Quesarito. These mad scientists of all things dairy have hatched up yet another unique way to plug cheese into our heads.

On their official site, Taco Bell describes this next step in the evolutionary process of processed cheese consumption:

The Quesalupa has melted pepper jack cheese stuffed inside a flaky, crispy shell. It’s layered with premium seasoned beef, crisp lettuce, real cheddar cheese, reduced-fat sour cream, and diced ripe tomatoes.

You read that correctly. There will be melted cheese, and it will be stuffed inside a shell. A shell! This is sorcery. And, just for good measure, the Bell wants us to know that they have our best interests at hand by making it clear that the beef will be “premium” and the sour cream will be “reduced-fat.” You can sleep well at night knowing that the indulgence that you have consumed for dinner is not as bad for you as it could have been and, in fact, could be good for you*.

(*Note: false)

The catch to all of this is that the taco giant has decided to release this Kraken solely on the city of Toledo, Ohio. If our fellow Ohioans so choose to determine the Quesalupa unworthy, the entire country, and perhaps the world, will be deprived of one of the great fast food arts.

So, Toledo, if you’re reading this, our fate is in your hands. Write your congressman, and bring the Quesalupa to us all. It’s the American way.

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